real or not real?

when i wake

in the morning

i remember-

i feel like

it could be a dream?

i am reminded

of the book

hunger games,

where the character

peeta asks

katniss,

real or not real?

because, it does not

seem possible

yet

that he is gone.

 i do not 

see or hear

him running 

around the house,

or playing on 

the farm

i think of him

when

i see our tractors-

his

'mighty machine' 

parked in the backyard

right

where he left it.

his barn boots waiting 

to be slipped on,

so he can follow

gramps around 

the farm-

his laughter & giggles 

remain

still thick

& heavy

 in the air-

his cousin asks:

"where did jack go?"

it seems 

so quiet,

ever so quiet.

i know

i should embrace this

quietness,

which i fully

intend to do-

it is the 

healthy thing

to do,

it is

right thing

to do-

i also know that

i am

not the only granny 

in the world

to live far away from her

grandkid!

yes, this i know!! 

i also know

that the reason

 he is gone, 

is for the 

greater good,
that lives will
be changed!

that our God is using
this family
for his purpose.
&
that God will
be glorified
in it all-

but
for right now,

it is too 

raw, fresh, new

and i ask myself:

real or not real?